So what do you think of the place?
Its not much now but give me some time to fix it up.
Im Jen by the way, thanks for stopping by my little corner of the internet.
Im in my mid 30's.. I have 3 kids, a dog, a cat and a hamster.
Im adopted, my kids are adopted..... and its a disaster.
You think when you get married that life is going to be wonderful.. Everything will be roses. You'll work, buy a house together, make it a home, have babies.. and la dee freaking dah.
Then infertility steals your deams.
Every night an empty wombe breaks your heart and you dream about the one thing you will never ever have because life is a cruel joke.
I made this blog as a place to vent... So i dont have to keep doing it on my fb page because people just dont get it. And i am sick of feeling like i have to justify this crap.
Lets start at the beginning....
I was adopted at 8 days old.
Now parents of adopted kids let me whack you over the head with some truths.
Babies are not fricking resilliant (Love a duck I hate hearing that)
We have had 9 months in the wombe bonding with a person who doesnt even want us. We feel that from the start. RAD is real. And Im willing to bet every single adopted person has it to some degree.
Adopted kids have baggage. I dont care when the baby/child is adopted. Every single one of us have baggage. Its part of being adopted. it sucks.. Your job as parents is to help the kids work through the baggage, and if you cant then you get your kiddo to someone who can.
I thought i was one of the lucky ones. No baggage here! Im lovely.
Well.. no im not.
I have issues with people. Big issues.
I get over attached to people and then turn them before they can walk out on me. So I dont have friends. I let people just close enough to get to know a bit of me (an edited verson of who i really am so the real me stays safe and unharmed), and then when they walk out I go "see? Im unlovable!" and off I go again to my friendless life...because its safer to be alone then to let people hurt me.
I didnt realize this is what i am doing until about 3 months ago.
Ok thats not toally accurate.... I did know what I was doing.... at least in the back of my mind.. because every time one of my "friends" would stop returning phone calls and texts, or fb messages, or stop being available to meet up.. i would sit there and go "and another friend gone" of course blaming them and not even acknowledging my own role in the ending of communication.
People I get attached to always leave... That mindset is part of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and thats part of being adopted.
I never thought I had RAD.. I was close to my parents...
it was those outside the family that I have issues with.
I latch on like a freaking leach and then bang, self sabbotoge and the friendship ends.
So now that i know I do this....
what do i do about it?
There really isnt much I can do.... It is what it is.
Let them get close, show them who I really am, and they will leave just like everyone else.
What brought on this rambling today?
Well....... I found some of my photos from college...... a year I badly needed to find myself again after leaving an abusive relationship.
I made friends... real friends.. Angela, Bray, Cami, Brandon, Lee, Chris, Nic and Amy.... and my roommate after leaving college..... I moved out of rez while my roommates avoided me because i didnt want to say goodbye.... I didnt want to admit that i failed.
I let them get close... I let them see ME... For the first time in years I had people in my life who loved and accepted me for the mess I am. And they didnt leave.
Instead? I left. I screw up the friendships and clocked out before they had a chance to hurt me.
I miss each one of these people so much. They showed me I am worthy of real friends... and i screwed things up. If I could take it all back I would in a second. if I could end the year differently I would..... But i cant. One of my only regrets in my life is loosing these people.
Failed relationships are a big part of my life,...
Another big part of my life is a totally adorable 2.5yr old who wants some mommy time
<3 till next time
